Ep. 115 - Ray Santiago III - The Pillar B’s

[00:00:08] Welcome to Mental Toughness with Dr. Rob Bell. Each week, Dr. Rob sits down with athletes, executives and expert coaches to talk about mental toughness and their hinge moment. Here's your host, Dr. Rob. When we think of pillars, we think of a foundation, right? Pillars hold up a foundation.

[00:00:35] This whole book is helping someone to build a sports mentality, a foundation so that when you think of a tall building or a skyscraper, right? Well what holds up that foundation or what holds that building up are pillars that drive deep into the ground.

[00:00:50] So if you think of the Salesforce building in San Francisco, one of the tallest buildings, but if you actually look at its foundation, it goes deeper than the Big Ben Clock or the Statue of Liberty.

[00:01:02] So however high you want to go, you have to dig deep so that when the rain hits, when the hail hits, when the snow hits, when the floods hit that your foundation is strong enough to withstand the elements.

[00:01:14] And so what I'm trying to accomplish in this book is teaching four pillar bees, believing, breathing, body and battling that when they're solidified and they're dug deep enough, built well, that they'll hold up under any sports stress or any sports circumstance.

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[00:02:38] That's DRB in the number 20. Livemomentus.com. Optimize, perform and recover. Livemomentus.com. Our guest today on episode 115 of the Mental Toughness Podcast is a mental performance coach, is an author, speaker and has a new book released depending on when this is. But it'll be February 26th.

[00:03:08] And it's called The Killer Bees, How to Transform from Your Biggest Critic to Your Best Coach. Our guest today, excited to speak with them. We've connected many times online and have read his previous book as well, Higher Ground. But our guest today is Ray Santiago III.

[00:03:27] You can check out on renewedmindperformance.com and then also on Instagram. Highly recommend him on Instagram. He's always posting a lot of insights into the mental game and that's a renewed mind performance. And my man, Ray, glad to have you bud. Glad to be here.

[00:03:45] Glad to connect again. It's been a little while and glad to just hang out with another guy who loves the mental game. So you've got a new son, man, Huxley. Tell us about how that process is. How old he is? How's he sleeping? Yeah.

[00:04:00] He's actually in Michigan right now with my wife hanging out with her parents. And so I got the week to myself. We have two girls from my wife's previous marriage, Lucy and Juliet. But Huxley, he is a blessing. God bless this big time. He's 17 months old.

[00:04:17] He's still stubborn, not walking yet. He can walk, Jesus not to. But he is one of the major loves of my life. And no matter what kind of day I have, I open the door and he just, I mean, he's the fastest crawl in the world. He's 17 months.

[00:04:30] So he's got to be the master of crawling by now. So he just has a biggest smile on his face, big blue eye. He's got strawberry blonde hair right now, which is pretty funny. So we'll see what happens with that.

[00:04:40] But yeah, he's one of my major motivations in life for just the drive that I have. Yeah. Absolutely, man. You know, when I had kids too, man, you always hear about how fast time goes.

[00:04:56] But what was interesting is like the clock grows legs when you have kids because now you have that specific reference point to everything now that happens in life, right? And I always found that to be fascinating when kids enter the picture. Yeah.

[00:05:12] And even, you know, Apple will send you little photos and stuff of six months ago. And you just look at him like, whoa, he didn't even have hair six months ago. Now he's got a full head of hair. Got his first haircut.

[00:05:24] So, you know, I try to enjoy each moment for good or for bad, whether that's 3 a.m., he's screaming or, you know, he's an angel child and we're just hanging out watching TV. I just try to embrace it all just like athletes.

[00:05:36] You know, as we teach them, the love of the game is loving it for everything it brings for the struggle for the great times. If we didn't have the struggle, guess what? How fun would the game be? Right? It's those breakthroughs.

[00:05:49] So try to do that with my little guy too and my daughters as well. Yeah. Totally, man. When before we get into the book, we always talk about hinge moments here, right? Like those one moment decision events make all the difference in our life, connects who

[00:06:04] we are with who we're going to become. Yours one of them at least, I mean, took place 2010 NAIA World Series with that. Super regional. It was a super region. Yeah. Walk us through the whole experience, man, and then how the mental game kind of reintroduced itself to you.

[00:06:21] Sure. So, you know, I'm from Southern California and so it kind of comes full circle where I started and where I ended my career. So I played at College of Idaho. I went to Mississippi Valley State tore my labor on my shoulder, went to junior college

[00:06:36] Oxnard College in California and then went up to Idaho and finished my career there. But we were at the super regional of the NAIA World Series. And, you know, we fell short a couple games short. And I remember I had one of the biggest errors.

[00:06:54] We would have pretty much won a game and pop up in the infield and it got lost in the sun and actually have vertigo. And it was just so happy that some of us, I got dizzy and I just fell and the ball

[00:07:04] fell and that was like, you know, I felt really bad about that. And then we ended up losing the game. What ending was that? I can't remember, but it was near the end and it was either a close game or

[00:07:16] we were winning and that just kind of turned the tide. And pretty soon after that, you know, I took myself to the outfield after the game and I just had one of the best cries in my life.

[00:07:26] I'm not a crier and before that I probably hadn't cried in 10 years or something. And they just cried because my career was over. And you know, that wasn't getting drafted. And if I was good enough, I would have got drafted because I had all the connections

[00:07:40] to get drafted. So it was just on me. It wasn't good enough. I was like 99% of the athletes who get done with college and don't go on to the pros. And then how did the mental game take place? What happened?

[00:07:53] Yeah, so we when we were done down in Southern California flew back home and clean out my apartment and I run across a book, The Mental Keys to Hitting, that my dad gave me in my junior year of high school.

[00:08:06] And instead of packing, I read it cover to cover. And I said, wow, my dad gave this to me. He knew that I needed this then and I would need it throughout my career.

[00:08:17] And I went my whole career without knowing there was such a thing as the mental game that instead of allowing the moment to own me, I could actually own the moment or at least how I saw the moment.

[00:08:27] And so I went back to my academic counselor and I said, hey, you know, what do I do with my life now that school is over? She says, well, what do you want to do? I said, I could see myself as marriage family therapist, even though

[00:08:39] I hadn't been in a relationship till 10. So I was like, well, maybe not as school counselor or a sports side consultant. I just read this book. She says, which one do you see yourself enjoying 40 years from now? And it was so simple that it was the mental game.

[00:08:51] And so I went to Boise State a couple months later, got my master's degree in sports psychology and since about 2013 is when I started really working with teams. My first team I worked with was the Boise State softball team.

[00:09:05] I basically walked in and said, hey, can I make my own class and work with you as part of my grad school credits. And fortunately for two years I got to work with that program and see what

[00:09:19] happens in the book and on the PowerPoints of sports psychology in the classroom. But what really happens in real life when you have people who are messy, who are with other people who have different backgrounds and different beliefs and everything.

[00:09:34] So it was a great melding of the two to see what happens from the academic perspective and then what happens from the application perspective. Yeah, I always say in theory, in practice they are exactly the same, but in practice they're different. I love that.

[00:09:53] I mean, I'll get contacted still, man, by a lot of people like getting into the field and they want to, you know, just kind of go, I'll ask them the question, like, tell me what's one of your favorite parts about the

[00:10:05] mental game and what are you kind of into? And I still hear smart goals. Yeah, oh, wow. Still cringe, brother. I'm like, really? Like we're still doing that? I mean, it's like copper tone back in the 80s. You know what I mean?

[00:10:19] Yeah, copper tone you could put on it was like SPF 2 or SPF 4, something like that. You know what I mean? You did absolutely nothing. But we still play with that. So it's like, yeah. I think that's the part about the field, man. It's fascinating.

[00:10:33] You just want to be able to help out people, but it's just so academically driven that there aren't many people like yourself that are out there, you know, really just building relationships and trying to help people get to where they want to go. Yeah.

[00:10:46] I mean, for example, and I'm not trying to break the system here, but I had a former. I will. I had a former client reach out to me about a month ago. He's just asking what I'm doing because he likes what I'm doing.

[00:11:00] And I said, listen, I went to grad school, but I had my professor, Linda Petlikoff, who had run ASP for a couple of years. She she left after my first year and someone came in who was all

[00:11:13] research in her and I were OK, but there was no application side. So I went out and made my own classes. I got I'm basically built my own master's degree. And I said, hey, listen, school's great, but I will mentor you.

[00:11:29] Here is a list of books you need to read. You read those and you work with me. I will save you sixty thousand, hundred thousand dollars in school because no one will ask you if you have a master's degree.

[00:11:43] No one will ask you anything other than can you help my son or my daughter get to where they want to go? And, you know, I'm not saying throw him to the wolves, but I will teach you how to do this. Record your stuff, send it to me.

[00:11:56] I'll help you get better at it. You don't need a degree. And I think that's the way the world is going. You find yourself a mentor who knows what they're doing and they can teach you.

[00:12:04] That's isn't that the way the system has been for thousands or hundreds of thousands of years or whatever question. So he had his first this guy mentor and his first session yesterday went fantastic. And the kid is getting, you know, a lot of help that he needs.

[00:12:19] The kid is working with. So it's like, OK, you didn't go three years to get your master's degree. You read a couple of books. You worked with somebody who knows what they're talking about. And you were effective. So that's, you know, I tell my daughters,

[00:12:31] if you want to go to college, go to college. But if you want to, you know, be successful and make an impact quickly, you know, go find someone who does what you do and fortunate or hopefully, you know, they'll take you into their wing. Hey, good looking.

[00:12:46] If you like this podcast and are already a badass, but it's all way too complicated, then visit our website, DrRobBell.com and schedule a call with us to help capture your very own hinge moment. I totally agree, man.

[00:13:28] My daughter's the same way she's really into baking and stuff like that. And, you know, college route for culinary arts is there. I said before you even get there, I mean, what's going to be more important is you and that's what she did, man.

[00:13:42] She was underneath, you know, at a bakery doing an internship, you know, saying that's what you got to do, man, because that's where the biggest impact gets made in your career. So that's great, man. I'm glad your mentor and students, especially with your your background.

[00:13:57] I know you can help a lot of people, man. It's it's awesome. Thank you. With. With that said, man, with the book, so the killer beats, the pillar bees. I know that I was kind of playing on it because I

[00:14:14] what I wanted to say was did the pillar bees, did that come from the killer bees? I mean, the East of Astros. Yeah. No, it was originally yes and no because it sounds good. OK, but the pillar was I thought it was like a hundred percent.

[00:14:30] Like I don't even know. I know. The killer bees could have been. It could be. You can go each way because the story does open up with an astro story that had, you know, Bagua, Vigio and those guys over there. For those who still remember those.

[00:14:42] But no, when we think of pillars, we think of a foundation, right? Pillars hold up a foundation. This whole book is helping someone to build a sports mentality of foundation so that when you think of a tall building or a skyscraper, right?

[00:14:57] Well, what holds up that foundation or what holds that building up are pillars that drive deep into the ground. So if you think of the Salesforce building in San Francisco, one of the tallest buildings, but if you actually look at its

[00:15:11] foundation, it goes deeper than the Big Ben Clock or the Statue of Liberty. So however high you want to go, you have to dig deep so that when the rain hits, when the hail hits, when the snow hits, when the floods hit,

[00:15:24] that your foundation is strong enough to withstand the elements. And so what I'm trying to accomplish in this book is teaching four pillar bees, believing, breathing, body and battling that when they're solidified and they're dug deep enough, built well, that they'll hold up under any

[00:15:42] sports stress or any sports circumstance. Yeah. You know, in the book, man, you talked about, you know, the simplicity battle. And that was one of the things I liked about it was like, you know, why do you think it is so hard for us to keep it simple?

[00:15:59] Emotions. Emotions, cloud, simplicity. So in the book we talk about there's only two goals of the athlete. And when I talk to crowds, I say, Hey, what's the goal of an athlete? And the first word always out of their mouth is to win.

[00:16:14] And I agree, that's the end goal. But the two goals of the athlete always really need to be to see what's truly there so they can make the right next move. So if I can see what's truly in front of me, I can then know what the

[00:16:27] right next move is my, if my, if I'm emotionally clouded because I made an error and, you know, I'm beating myself up. You know, I don't know what the right next move is because the move I'm doing right now is beating myself up.

[00:16:39] And that's obviously not the right move. But if I can truly know what's in front of me, take a deep breath and say, Hey, you know what? I made an error. Now there's a guy on first base. It's not the end of the world.

[00:16:49] I'm still really good a fielder. Statistics show that nine out of 10 times because my feeling percentage is 900 at least that I'm going to make the nine next, next nine plays. So I'm starting to speak truth to myself so that I could get back to

[00:17:03] the moment no one scored yet. No one's hurt. Okay. That scout in the stands right there. He's okay seeing you fail because guess what? He wants to see how I rebound. So I'm talking myself down and all of a sudden the clouding or the mud is,

[00:17:14] is, is clearing because I'm speaking truth into myself. So it also talks about the war of the poor. I've got negativity pouring in. I have to pour in truth to where I can filter out the negativity.

[00:17:25] And what I'm left with is truth, truth about the situation so that I can make the right next move, the right next move in that case as a fielder would be take a deep breath, communicate with my fielder. Say, Hey, there's nobody out.

[00:17:36] We got a guy on first base. The ball is hit to me. I'm coming to you at second base. That's the truth of the situation. I do those two things really well over and over again. Guess what? It gives me the best chance of winning.

[00:17:47] So what are the two goals that are in an athlete's control? Seeing what's truly there so that it can make the right next move. I like, uh, like we said there, man, it was good with them. You know, with that said, like how important is it when

[00:18:05] in terms of like playing to our strengths, right? Like we get the report card. We've got four A's, a B and then a C in there. And automatically want to say, well, what's up with that C?

[00:18:19] When we work really, really hard on the C and then really at the end of it, we brought it up to a B, but we're still crappy at Spanish. Right. I mean, we're just never, that's never going to be the strength.

[00:18:29] How important is it, man, when it comes to that about being able to play to your strengths and focus on those things that you're good at? Well, I think it's really valuable. Just to give an example, you're really good at what you do.

[00:18:43] But I bet you're not like the best at the accounting side of your business or the best at maybe you're really good at sales too. But there are aspects of your business that you don't really care about. But because you don't care about, you don't really, you know,

[00:18:57] you're not that good at them. So as a student, I always have to tell my kids or my students, hey, it's OK to get a B. It's even OK to get a C as long as you've put in the effort

[00:19:08] because you're not going to be good at everything in life. When you go get a job, you're going to get hired for one specific thing and to do it really, really well. You're not going to need to know history. You're not going to need to know calculus.

[00:19:20] So I think kids get defeated partially because their parents expect them to get an A and with like I want to go to this really good college. And if I don't get straight A's, you know, so I know a little bit going off topic.

[00:19:31] But understanding that we are human, that we're not going to be great at everything. Someone else's strength just because that's their strength doesn't mean we have to be jealous of them. We can admire them and say, hey, good for you.

[00:19:42] You're good at that. Here's what I'm really good at. Here's what comes naturally to me. So but then focusing on your strengths is OK. What sets me apart? What makes me unique? I'm really going to focus on that because that's actually what's going

[00:19:56] to get me playing time. That's what's going to get me noticed because for all a robot, what helps me stand out? So when we're talking about strength, what are the unique things that you bring that no one else brings? Because, Rob, you're a human. I'm a human.

[00:20:08] We do the same thing, but we do it completely differently in some ways. We have different stores. We have different ways we hit, you know, athletes or business people we work with. And so me trying to copy you is actually

[00:20:21] a detriment to what I can bring because I'm not using my uniqueness. Mm hmm. You know, I think about when you mentioned there like expectations and you wrote about in the book, right? Like, can you comment like, how do you go about helping someone drop?

[00:20:44] You know, the expectations because you will hear it all the time, right? To have no expectations when reality is I mean, how do you it's more about like managing these like how do you go about it? Like as a consultant, helping somebody, you know, drop the expectations

[00:20:58] Sure. So I'll kind of use an example of a thermostat. So if let's say that 65 degrees is where we're comfortable at, if I'm playing better than that as in it is hot in my house, my AC kicks on and it will bring me back down

[00:21:16] because this is where I'm comfortable because this is where I have my expectation set of how good of an athlete I am, what I expect to play at if I'm actually playing worse than usual, the heater kicks on and brings me back up. I actually get hot.

[00:21:30] And so it's actually learning to set the proper thermostat of your expectations because what you expect to do, I would say that's kind of going into two topics. So I'll keep it on the topic of the thermostat. Whatever we set the expectation to it sends our subconscious

[00:21:51] message that that's the standard. You have to hit this. And so if I'm playing worse, it's a weird thing, but you will get better and play better. If you're playing out of your mind, you will somehow get worse. So use example because you're in the golf world.

[00:22:04] Right? Let's say you typically shoot a 95. I know you probably are like in the 70s or low 80s or something. I'm a 99 typically because I golf once a month. OK, if I go par par birdie birdie, my expectation by hole five is red, you're not this good.

[00:22:21] Like how do you keep this going? And it's not asking me how I keep it going. It's actually just introducing doubt. And then I get to the next hole and then my hands, they start to get numb to where I can't feel my grip.

[00:22:31] And if I can't feel my grip, how confident can I be? So it kicks in that I am not playing to my expectations. I'm playing way better. So I will, my body will literally hijack my performance and bring me back down.

[00:22:45] But also if I'm playing double bogey, double bogey for five straight holes, it'll kick in and say, Ray, you're bad, but you're not that bad. And I'll actually my focus will get sharper and somehow my confidence will kick in to where it will bring me back up

[00:22:58] because out of 100 times or maybe 20 times I'll play any year, I will be between 95 and 103. I just will be. And so it's literally your subconscious has this expectation. So what I'm trying to do with my game is say, OK, Ray,

[00:23:14] that's what you typically do, but we're throwing that all out. Your only two expectations is number one to see the ball well through your swing and to have as much fun as possible. And guess what? I usually still shoot about the same, but the expectation is gone.

[00:23:29] There is no pressure. The second you set an expectation, you set a level of pressure that you must meet or you feel if you're playing better or worse or something. So if you straight up go out, do a couple of things in your control

[00:23:41] for me when I keep my eyes down through my swing, gosh, it usually goes my way. And when I'm having fun, gosh, it's a really good time out there. And I play best when I'm having fun. So having no expectations, you know, you've heard it,

[00:23:55] but now we're giving the how or the why, why and the how? How do I not have an expectation? I do two things that are in your control, right? My score, how many points you score, whether you get six hit, that's an expectation.

[00:24:09] Those are outside your control and they're only going to add pressure. They're only going to make you not enjoy the game that you're playing and playing, not working right? So keep it so simple that I can do that.

[00:24:21] I can see the ball well and I can choose to have a lot of fun. And when I do those things, I will play my best and I had never set an expectation. Mm hmm. Yeah, love it, man.

[00:24:32] In the book, you talked about the gazelle of a lion in the in the mama bear. Well, you see that part, man. Is that that was probably my favorite part of the book? Sure. So I'm trying to think this chapter 16. So we're talking about the body.

[00:24:47] So I'll give you a quick example. So when we're if you're watching the Discovery Channel, right? And you see a gazelle, what do the gazelles do? They take a bite and then they look up. They take a bite and then they look up. They're always on alert.

[00:25:00] They're always on us in the state of stress. And then it pans over and you see the lion in a bush. And what is it doing? It's just hanging out and just in the cooler day and you see its tail just kind of flicker.

[00:25:12] It's not that it's just, you know, chilling. It's looking is looking for a weak link. And then all of a sudden, boom, at the right time, it's on the hunt. And when the lion is on the hunt, it is not worried about someone chasing it.

[00:25:28] And so the gazelle, the gazelle knows it's always going to be on the hunt. And so we think about I was sharing this with an athlete and, you know, he's walking to the plate and he just has the mentality of like, don't strike out, don't strike out.

[00:25:41] That's like a stress. That's kind of that gazelle mindset where you're the one being hunted. And so we we flipped and said, OK, I want you to go lion mode. He actually plays at a school in Southern California where their mascot is the lions.

[00:25:54] So it's kind of cool. So we changed it to the line mode where you're the one on the hunt instead of worrying about what the picture is going to throw you. Think about what do you want to have happen? How do you want to attack this picture?

[00:26:05] How do you become the one on the hunt and hunt them? And, you know, it changed everything for him. It changed the way he thought. It changed the way he spoke to himself. It changed the way he walked.

[00:26:17] So it's that lion mode that we want to get into. And it's a choice. It's a choice to be a gazelle or a lion. It's easy to fall into gazelle mode because there's so much failure. So it's easy to be kind of on guard.

[00:26:31] But it's a choice to be on lion mode and is so much more enjoyable because you're the one on attack mode. And then we have mother bear. So a mother bear, if you're walking on a trail and you see a mother bear and there's cubs around,

[00:26:48] she will literally rip your face off. OK, but if there's so that's where she protects this idea of protection. And then she has this ability to provide. She has an internal motivation to provide for her cubs. And then when they're content, when they're protected,

[00:27:06] she has the ability to then play with them. And that's when we kind of get into self compassion. Self compassion has this ability to do all three and has this steel side where it's hard and it can it can be tough.

[00:27:20] It also has that silk side where it's software. Hey, what do you need right now? Well, I need a hug. I just made a huge error or I just got relegated to the bench. Got yelled out by a coach who has ability to provide that nurturing

[00:27:34] that that comforting that soothing that we need. And then it has the ability to play and just have fun and be content where when I talk about this to audiences, they're so intrigued by the contentment piece

[00:27:47] because once the last time an athlete was told, it's OK to be content. Right? It's this idea of I always need to be doing more. I always need to be doing more. Someone's always getting better than me.

[00:27:57] And yeah, you got your job done, but that's what you're supposed to do. So that's kind of like Gazelle mode is that threat mode where, you know, look at everyone else, they're better than you. And then that drive mode, hey, if you're not doing this,

[00:28:09] you're not good enough. So these threat and these drive modes, their internal systems that go on and they just cause us to come to fatigue. So that mother bear mode, that sooth system, which is so neglected by all of us, it allows us to just be

[00:28:26] to just be content and say, it's OK to watch a movie and actually be enthralled in the movie. It's OK to just draw a picture and be there. You don't always have to miss a vacation because you're afraid if you're not hitting and lifting every day,

[00:28:38] you're going to lose your ability. And it just allows them to get refreshed. It allows people to just reset the mind, reset the body because there's so much failure in sports. I have people, I have athletes at the D1 level

[00:28:51] calling me on their walks from class to class and Ray had a terrible practice this morning. I think I'm going to get cut or like I'm not going to travel. And it's like these threatened drive modes are constantly on.

[00:29:02] And I just said, hey, call me back in two minutes. What I want you to do is just walk to class or walk to your dorm. And I just want you to walk. I want you to feel your feet hit the ground.

[00:29:12] I want you to look at the birds. I want you to look at the trees, right? And just be I want you to just take a moment, breathe. And they call me back and it's a whole different demeanor in two minutes

[00:29:21] of just being content with what is in the moment. It changes the mindset. So I love lion mode, be there when you can. But more than anything, be that mother bear where what do I need right now? Well, I need steel.

[00:29:35] I need to kick in the butt because I need a little motivation. It'll provide that if I need a silk. If I need that soft side where I just need a hug or a nudge and say, hey, it's OK, that happened. I'm here for you.

[00:29:46] It happens to everybody. Right. And then that playful mode where you're just content with what is. So maybe that's more than you wanted. But hopefully that was there anything else about self-compassion they want to add in on that piece?

[00:30:02] Because because you and I were speaking before it is really, really important. And then, yeah, run with that and then let's see what that takes us. Sure. So. I think we both can agree. Self-confidence is great when we have it,

[00:30:18] but as we also both know, confidence can be quite fragile. Maybe we haven't built it correctly. So confidence is great when it's there. But self-compassion when I say self-compassion, think of it simply as your ability to treat yourself

[00:30:32] like you would treat a good teammate or a teammate that you like. Right. And we all have been that we've all done that. So we all have the blueprint in us of treating others well. Well, why would we treat others well?

[00:30:45] Because what we want them to feel good. Well, why do we want them to feel good so they can rebound and get back to playing at their best? Interesting. So if that's what we want for others, why wouldn't we want that for ourselves?

[00:30:55] And we do. But there's an easy it's easy when someone else is hurting to comfort them. Why? Because your alarm system is not going crazy. You're not the one that has this disconnect between your ideal self of how you should play and what actually just happened.

[00:31:12] Right. So when our alarm system is going off and we think we need to beat ourselves up, it's really hard to be like, wait a second, pause, take a deep breath. What happened? Well, I missed the ball. OK, how are you doing? Well, I feel like crap.

[00:31:28] OK, well, what can I do for you? Well, I need a hug and you take a deep breath and maybe a little swift kick in the butt too. So all of a sudden I've actually just become my best coach rather than

[00:31:38] my biggest critic just by being compassionate to ourselves. So there's three elements of self compassion. Number one, it's that mindfulness. It's that taking a deep breath to separate myself from what has happened so I can clearly see what to do next. So it's that mindfulness.

[00:31:56] It's paying attention on purpose to the present moment, being able to let go of what happens so I can be here for what's happening next. And this great quote, I'll butcher it kind of as says, the the ability to let go and begin again is always available.

[00:32:12] I mean, that's what mindfulness is. And so once I've got a little bit of perspective, then comes in the common humanity. Hey, errors happen to everybody. Failure happens to everybody. It's just happening to you right now, because when we make an error or we get a serious injury,

[00:32:29] it's why me, right? The Hamlin guy, he was on an interview on the Super Bowl. And the first question, one of the questions is why me? So why me has this idea of like separation from everybody else. And one of our basic needs is his connection.

[00:32:45] And so we desert ourselves in a way. But common humanity says, hey, why not me? Why will everybody gets injured? Everybody fails. Everybody strikes out. I know I'm using baseball. Everybody misses a play. So it brings you back into the fold a little bit. It softens the blow.

[00:33:02] It still hurts. But knowing that it happens to everybody, it kind of takes the sting away of like, wow, this doesn't happen to everybody or anyone. It just happens to me. No, it doesn't. It happens to everybody. So that's the second element.

[00:33:14] So so far we have the mindfulness, then we have that common humanity. And then it's the self kindness of asking myself, hey, what do you need right now? Because we always focus on the mistake rather than us. If we focused on ourselves and ask, hey,

[00:33:28] what can I do to heal that feel? Well, gosh, you know, I need a hug or whatever it might be. It's so simple to do those things. So that's where that self compassion is so dynamic and meeting the need.

[00:33:41] And I gave a talk down at Notre Dame High School in LA last week, and I kept coming up with the idea that this is how we rebound quickly. You know, I'm not here to talk to you about when things are going well.

[00:33:52] You don't need me when things are going well. You need a sports cycle when things aren't going well. Right. And so if I can teach you to be your best coach when things aren't going well, you can use those steps to ask yourself,

[00:34:05] hey, what do I need right now? And it's incredible. I use this example of let's say you miss a putt, a three foot putt. How do you feel after that? How do you feel after that? Can we say six six feet? That's more. Let's say six foot. OK.

[00:34:21] Thank you. Putt. There's three feet means I haven't practiced enough. That's true. So six foot putt, a putt that you should make and then you miss it. And it might be in a in a in a big moment. So how do you feel mentally?

[00:34:35] Well, you can picture yourself being kind of like in a vulnerable position on the ground. And then all of a sudden your evil twin comes over and just starts hammering you, hammering you, hammering you with your putter. Why did you miss that putt?

[00:34:48] You make that all the time. How could you do that? It's like, OK, has that helped me rebound or has that just got me into a deeper hole because I missed that putt? I still have to go make that next putt. But let's flip the script.

[00:35:01] Let's say I missed that putt and then you're in the same feeling on the ground, vulnerable position, but your nice twin comes up to you, kneels down, puts a hand on your leg or on our shoulder and says, hey, that sucks. Right? It's owning what happened.

[00:35:19] That sucks. I'm not brushing away. It sucks. But you know what? It happened. And it happens to a lot of people. It just happened to happen to you right now. But guess what? You're still a really good putter, right?

[00:35:32] And you have a great opportunity to still save par and you still have 18 holes left that are 17 holes left. That was only a whole one. But that was a six footer. That was a par putt. OK, par putt. All right. Well, we've got a bogey. That's OK.

[00:35:46] So you think about that. Which one will help you rebound? And if you even listen to the tone of voice, we have that physical touch. So Rob, real quick, just put your hand on your heart and let's just take 10 seconds and just feel.

[00:35:59] Just feel the connection. OK, what did you feel? I felt like I should be saying something. Like an audience now, hey, you should be doing this too. Yeah, the audience should be doing it. So that's with the audience. Let's do another 10 seconds. Take your hand.

[00:36:23] Just place it right over your heart or somewhere where you're comfortable. So Rob, for you, what did you feel with between the hand and the body? I felt just a sense of kind of awareness, like really self-aware in that moment.

[00:36:55] And when we make an error or we miss a putt, that awareness, it eludes us because we're so focused on what happened and how bad we should feel that we forget to just check in with us. So there's there's maybe warmth, there's connection.

[00:37:10] I might feel the rhythm of my heartbeat to where I'm connecting with myself again in the moment of need. Right, when I'm when I'm doing great, I don't need to feel connected. I already am. It's it's that separation that happens between my ideal self and the self

[00:37:24] that just blew that putt that I need to mend before I move forward or else I'm just going to have that double-mindedness throughout the rest of whatever I'm doing, whatever event that is. So it's that connection that we need to heal

[00:37:38] before we want to where I'm back on my side and back being my best coach rather than my biggest critic. It's good, man. I was thinking about those that listen to this podcast on double speed. And so then it was just five seconds of them

[00:37:55] having their hand on their chest. You listen to podcasts like you listen to them at normal speed or like one and a half? I always listen to them like one and a half. One and a half. You do? Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Unless it's really good.

[00:38:07] Then I slow it down to like point eight and then I'm taking notes. See, my son, he'll want to listen to it at point five because he thinks that's the funniest thing in the world. We must have a lot of time on his hands.

[00:38:18] Listen, well, he just wants like he just thinks as funny as that's the drunk voice. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, when it comes to your book, man, and like writing, what was your process for writing? How did you go about it? Because I mean, I've written, you know,

[00:38:33] eight books going to be coming out. Every book spent a little bit different. But how did you go about writing it? Sure. So my first two books were kind of a niche of Christian athletes, but this book, it's I mean, there's not really Christian elements.

[00:38:48] There's one quick story about Josh Hamilton, but this is for every athlete and how it came about was in 2019, the summer of 2019. I had an interview with the Houston Astros for a mental performance coach position and it was just me and a screen

[00:39:02] and they're just throwing questions up and they gave you three minutes to answer. And I was I was doing well. I thought I was well capable of answering every question. Then a question pops up that says, what's your philosophy in working with athletes?

[00:39:17] And just I don't know if it was the word philosophy or what, but it just like threw me off. So I was trying to go back to like theories and frameworks that I remember from, you know, one class that we talked about in grad school

[00:39:27] and just like blew the question and I didn't get a call back, which is fine. It was either that question or something else where they were looking for something different. So when I was done, you know, with the self pity of, you know, blowing that chance,

[00:39:42] I started asking myself, OK, what were they really asking me with that question? Because if a major league organization is going to take the time to ask you that question of what your philosophy is working with athletes, it must be a really important question and worth knowing.

[00:39:55] And so I got the clarity of what were they really asking me. And they were asking me, hey, Ray, when a player comes to you with a problem, how do you go about working with them? That's all they were asking me. And I was like, oh, gosh,

[00:40:08] how come I haven't asked myself that question? And part of it was, you know, when I got out of grad school, I just started following guys like Brian Cain, they can revisit reading Harvey Dorfman's books. And those were fantastic, but they didn't necessarily show your framework.

[00:40:24] They showed you how they work with athletes, but they didn't really give me a framework. So I'm like, well, what's a framework? And so what I started doing was I didn't want to reinvent the wheel. I went to psychology and figured out

[00:40:37] that I had been using cognitive behavioral theory the whole time, CBT. But what I did was I then took it and I made it, I simplified it to work with athletes. So those are our four B's. So we coming in behavioral theory says that your thoughts influence

[00:40:51] your emotions, your emotions influence your physiology, your physiology then leads to how you behave. And so what I did was I took four B's, which was something I had already been doing of your thoughts or your believing. That's our first B, your thought life.

[00:41:06] Then breathing, breathing is the bridge to your emotions and then body. Well, that's just your physical body, pretty simple, but then battling, battling is how you perform or in cognitive behavioral therapy, your behavior. And so the reason I have believing, breathing

[00:41:22] and then battling is that I and G is so important in the English language. I and G is what? Action, action in the present moment. It's an ongoing action in the present moment. I'm walking down the street.

[00:41:35] And so if I just put believe, well, it's easy to believe in myself one play, but then you make an error and then all of a sudden my belief is gone because confidence can be that fragile. So it's an ongoing ever present action in this moment.

[00:41:48] So that's how it came about was that was my three three and a half year long-winded answer to that question posed by the ashes of when an athlete comes to you with a problem, how do you go about your working with them?

[00:42:03] And so I created this pillar B framework that has, OK, there's four places where your problem, your issue, your performance issue can be coming from. It's either going to be in your thought life, you're believing. It's either going to be an emotional state,

[00:42:16] which is your breathing, a physiological thing, your body or your actual performance. And it's not like a clear cut like when my framework looks like a diamond. It looks like a baseball diamond, but it's not clear cut. Right? My my confidence can be up.

[00:42:28] I can feel great emotionally and physically, but then I can make an error. So the problem actually stemmed from the error that then led to a thought of doubt, which then led to a feeling of anxiety that led to my body being tense.

[00:42:39] So it's not all clear cut, but you can pinpoint any athlete can come to me, any performer can come to me. And within five minutes, I can show them exactly where their problem is stemming from. And then we have the sports context.

[00:42:52] So you read in chapter one, it's called Teaning Off about the golfer. So the context, there's always a sports context to the moment. So what's at stake? You know, a pre-season scrimmage is a lot different from a championship game. You know, and then who's there?

[00:43:10] Well, if it's just you and your buddies hanging around, you're playing loose and having fun. But then wait a second, it's practice and coaches watching you throw a bullpen or watching you behind, you know, at the golf range. And then or maybe there's a scout there, right?

[00:43:23] All of a sudden, the way I'm thinking, the way I'm feeling physically and emotionally and the way I'm performing is impacted by what's at stake, who's there. And then when is it right before season? Right now I have athletes who are really under the pressure.

[00:43:38] My baseball players are getting ready for season trying to win a spot. So when always adds that element of pressure. I only have this much time to get where I need to be. And then so we went through what's at stake, who's involved, when and then where.

[00:43:53] Where I think is huge, especially in golf. There are places you golf really well. There are places where you don't golf very well. And it's just it's with you, right? And for some odd reason, you get to hold and said, man,

[00:44:05] the last five times I have shanked this out of bounds. And so it's there. But I can't control who, what, when and where I can't control the context. But what I can control is my four pillar B's that I can change

[00:44:20] my perspective of how I view those things. I can see a scout as a threat in case, you know, if I don't play well, I'm not going to get recruited or I can say, no, he's here to admire my performance.

[00:44:33] He's here because I've worked my butt off to get to this point and he's here to see me succeed. I want to make his job easy and saying, hey, give me a pen all signed. Right. So we can start to change how we view the context,

[00:44:45] but we can't change the context. Mm hmm. You know, I'm curious, man, when it comes to like identity and faith, how do you combine and help athletes navigate navigate that process? Are you talking like from a Christian faith perspective and identity? Well, I mean, you're a Christian.

[00:45:05] You wrote about it in the past couple of books. This book not as much, but I mean, the concept still there, right? I mean, your faith or identity. I mean, they're interconnected. How do you deal with that and help people in that process?

[00:45:17] Yeah. Well, I think, you know, Christian faith is the greatest tool that we could have in the toolbox and when we think about their identity. So the athlete identity is so strong when you're playing well, life is great.

[00:45:29] When you're not playing well, life is terrible kind of thing. We all understand that. But when you see your identity being in Christ and choosing to see yourself how God sees you as Christ in you. That's what God sees.

[00:45:43] Well, then all of a sudden it's by grace that he loves me. It's not by works, right? But on the baseball field or on any kind of competitive environment, people like me because I play well or I play, I earn playing time by playing well.

[00:45:58] So when we play for an audience of one, when we know that God already loves us despite what we do or how we play, it takes the pressure off because that's what I'm playing for. But then it also brings more pleasure to just playing for fun,

[00:46:13] playing for the love of playing to honor him. And all of a sudden everything that we may want is we start to earn because of the perspective that we've taken based on our identity in Christ and not being staked in playing time

[00:46:28] or what level I play at or anything like that. Want to listen to your favorite music, but you're sick of all the commercial interruptions and negative news today. Tune into Cucko Radio dot com music for your mindset. We're a commercial free online radio station.

[00:46:45] Play nothing but hits our free iOS and Android apps are available for download at Cucko Radio dot com. Yeah, you know, I've enjoyed this conversation, man. My question is like what question Ray, should I be asking that I'm not asking? I'm not asking.

[00:47:11] I have some notes here, so let me see if anything sticks out. I mean, when we think about. My book, it's 90 percent and these 236 pages, I think probably 150, if not more, those pages focus on the believing section.

[00:47:32] As in it is the mindset at the end of the day that leads to how I feel emotions, because my mind gives meaning to things and things then cause emotions. So it's almost like a filter if I can get my mind right. And that's through my perspective.

[00:47:48] That's through my belief in myself. That's how I speak to myself and others. That's the vision that I have for not only my life, but how I play. That then leads to an emotional state that leads to then how my body feels

[00:48:00] at least and then how I perform. And so rather than go like, oh, I need to work on this emotion or I need to work on my body or the performance, go back to the mind because no matter what

[00:48:11] happens, if I have an error or if I'm playing my best, I can always start back at believing and say, how do I want to choose to approach this right now? And so chapter two, my favorite chapter, believing you're the best in the world.

[00:48:24] I'll give the disclaimer of what that definition is, but there's always the opportunity, no matter if you're on top of the world or at the bottom, it's always the ability to believe you're the best in the world right now.

[00:48:35] It's a choice because choosing you suck is also a choice. It feels like a feeling, but it's still a choice. So believing you're the best in the world, all that means it's not a comparison to

[00:48:45] others. All that means is I truly believe in this moment I am the best person to get the job done. It's being fully persuaded that you can get the job done right now. And if you're not believing you're the best at best, you're thinking your

[00:48:59] second best. So if there's a picture on the mound and you're hitting, guess what? If I'm second best in this competition, I've just lowered my batting average and I've just lowered his ERA. So when we believe that we are the best all of a sudden,

[00:49:13] that tells the emotions and the body, hey, let's get on board because we're about to go do something great. Well, Ray, you just shook out three times. I don't care. They gave me another at bat. I'm the best in the world.

[00:49:25] And statistics show that I'm about to get a hit or I'm about to, you know. So believing you're the best in the world, it sounds cliche, but once you get into the book and understand what that truly means,

[00:49:35] because it is a thought away, you become a very dangerous athlete. I love it, man. The Pillar B's, man. Ray, thanks so much for joining us, man. And I appreciate you sharing your insight and it was awesome, man. Thanks so much. So I appreciate that, Rob.

[00:49:51] And the pillarbeesbook.com, no apostrophe between the B and the S. Go check that out. Yeah, it's a great one. We'll put the link in there, man. You got it. Cool, brother. All right, thanks, Rob. Thanks for listening to Mental Toughness with Dr. Rob Bell.

[00:50:20] To find out more about Dr. Rob, visit his website at DrRobBell.com or follow him on Twitter at DrRobBell and subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast platform to get the next episode of Mental Toughness as soon as it's available.

[00:50:36] Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time.